This Explains Why You’re Having So Much Trouble Finding Real Love

Photo credit: Fedor Ouspenski/Pixababy

More and more of our digital dating world keeps coming up with new terms for bad dating behavior. Thought it was just happening to millennials? Think again. My Happiness Hypothesis study found that it is happening across the globe to both men and women for millennials and GenX.

Dating apps are creating a paradox effect in dating: it’s giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options.

Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion? Are dating patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? We’re connecting, not committing. We are only broadcasting the positive aspects of our lives on social media-the highlight reels. If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? In life, you don’t always only get highlight reels. Who is by your side when the non-highlight reel moments occur in life? The drama queen? Baby daddy? Your favorite social stalker? The truth is that dating has become even more irrational.

As a Behavioral Scientist, what amazes me is the hypersensitivity we all seem to have about almost all aspects of life EXCEPT relationships. Isn’t it interesting that we stand up against bullying, shaming, or political un-correctness; but with people we have interest in we act with total disregard? Is it technology that’s driving our behavior or that we are to attached to our devices and are cognitively evolving?

For the Happiness Hypothesis Study Your Happiness Hypothesis Study, I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active online dating app users and found that:

  • 80% reported it being easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb because of the lack of communication and face-to-face interaction
  • 80% of millennials reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 50% of GenXers reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 45% reported the average length of dates in between ghosting someone was 8
  • 50% reported an average of at least 3 months before reaching out again to the person they ghosted

While you waited for a response and wondered why you weren’t worthy a response, the other person had about 8 dates. We’re treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. This approach to people and relationships is creating a paradox effect. It is also creating a deeper dependence on what I call, “vanity validation”, the one you portray on your social networks and the true you, for some, creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life.

Dealing with this as normative relationship behavior begins to erode hope for a partner and begins a cycle of lowered expectations.

After reviewing my data, I found some correlations that corresponded to styles of behavior. Detachment. That’s what is driving the behavior. So, I developed what I call, the Detachment Styles theory. Afterall, it is their detachment to outcomes that is making people behave the way they do. Sick of showing up for a date that you think is not even going to work out? Ghost. You want to avoid confrontation with another human being? Ghost. You found the person somewhat compatible but now don’t? Ghost. Sick of your job? Ghost? Think the job is going to suck after the interview is set up? Ghost. Want to avoid anything that might have the slightest potential of triggering something within you? Ghost.

The Four Distinct Detachment Styles (c)

Ambivalent. This style often rationalizes themselves out of opportunities often. They don’t want to put in any additional effort into a relationship because they predict the outcome will be negative. They also avoid confrontation and will abruptly leave situations without forewarning.

Dismissive. This style often replaces their desires with some other compensatory behavior. They have a fear of faulty decision making and they don’t trust themselves emotionally.

Secure-stable. This style seeks security and stability in their environment and they adapt to changes in their environment with ease. They proceed with caution because they often have patterns and cycles of dating the same types.

Displaced. They attach to their digital world and persona as a source of support and human interaction. Their sense of self is dependent on their digital selves that seek “vanity validation”. They’re fulfilled by the world that they have created and do not necessarily derive happiness by being around people physically.

How Much Does Heartache Cost?

For the next couple of months, people will opt for cuffing or returning to their exes. But, the part that hurts for most of my clients is that the very thing they were trying to avoid-heartache and loneliness-is what inevitably happens. Love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? And at what cost? Is it your sanity? Is it your money that you regret spending? It’s not just money, it’s years of your life. I’ve put together this quick guide to help you save money and years of your life. Let’s do the math together.

Women: Appearance (clothing, shoes, makeup, creams, underwear, grooming, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.

Men: Appearance (clothing, shoes, creams, underwear, grooming, dry cleaning, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.

Actual meet up/date costs. This can range from $5 to $100 depending on where you go, what city you live in and what you’re doing. Calculate each date and multiply that by your dating life cycle.

Length of time during break up. Each year of you not being in the market has a cost to your age. Take away those years lost.

Credit: Pixababy

Love takes decades to get right. Factor in 10 years to perfect this decision-making ability.

Women: Take away five years of your reproductive life cycle.

Men: Take away five years to rebuild yourself financially.

Factor in past relationship failures and multiply that by three. On average we don’t break out of patterns and cycles till we are faced with the pattern repeatedly. Generally, three times a charm.

Now factor all of this in over your dating life cycle. What is your total?

7 Things To Help You Cope With a Break-up Or Divorce

Breakup Recovery Guide for Introverts, Ambiverts and Extroverts

When you are getting over a relationship/divorce, thinking that you can be in a better relationship can be challenging. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If you’re currently struggling to get over a relationship, I developed this self-inventory about things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up/divorce. This guide is designed for Introverts, Ambiverts and Extroverts to help you reflect on the past to help you break through to better future relationship outcomes. 

Credit: Samgar Huettner


  1. Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.
  2. Think about the things that attracted you to the person.
  3. Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.
  4. Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.
  5. Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.
  6. What did the person make you feel about yourself?
  7. What did they respond to within you?

Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, you’ll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution.  It’s within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.

The Science of Happiness: Your Happiness Hypothesis Method.

The Science of Happiness: Your Happiness Hypothesis Method.


Happiness is both a state of being and a condition you can create. Did you know that 40% of your happiness is determined by your thoughts, behaviors and actions? Only 10% is determined by circumstances you deal with in life. How you react to circumstances is what creates happiness. Your emotional default mode can be positive or negative, but that determines your outlook and how you’ll react to your life circumstances.

Happiness has a neurochemical process that can be used to create that state as part of how you approach life. Endorphin and serotonin levels are the two receptors responsible for regulating mood and happiness. The best ways to enhance these levels are by making it a practice to consciously focusing on positive outcomes.

Focus on the optimal rather than the suboptimal.

By examining our own logic and making it daily practice to use positive thinking, it rewrites our chemistry and our ability to create happiness as your emotional default mode. Finding love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. It’s one of the only decisions that takes decades to get right. What makes it take that long is our own faulty logic in who we choose and what we think we want versus need.

I designed the Your Happiness Hypothesis method based on cognitive re-shifting techniques to improve people’s outlook of themselves and their outcomes. Your Happiness Hypothesis helps you have relationship success in your life in a few weeks. Currently, I only offer the service in three targeted areas:

Finding The Right One

Whether you tired of online dating, burnt out, or sick of finding suboptimal partners, The Finding the Right One program is designed to help you find the relationship you deserve. Using a unique method I developed, Your Happiness Hypothesis, we will help you narrow down on what you want versus what you need and provide you with strategies that gets you dating optimally. This approach is rooted in self-awareness and challenges many of the traditional rules you’ve learned and applied. Together, we disrupt these rules with my simple steps and create a unique approach that saves you heartache, frustration and time.

Breakup Recovery

The Breakup Recovery program is a program designed to help you heal from the breakup and find the relationship you deserve.  In this program, we explore your dating patterns, review your relationship history, provide you with an action plan that helps you heal with dignity and avoid repeating patterns that hurt you in the past. This approach is intense with many of my clients report having breakthroughs in 24 hours.

Dating Challenges-Bad Partner Behavior

Are you sick of being ghosted, breadcrumbed, benched or other ridiculous bad partner behavior? Using a unique method I developed, Your Happiness Hypothesis, we will help you recognize other people’s suboptimal patterns, develop strategies that help you avoid these patterns, and create an action plan to help you find the relationship you deserve. This approach is designed to help you detect someone else’s bs 100% of the time and prevent it in the future.

Are you interested in creating Your Happiness Hypothesis in your life?

Details & Payment
Thank you

Please select service, date and provider then click on the Find Appointments button.