Elections Causing More Friendship Divorces Again

Elections Causing More Friendship Divorces Again

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

The upcoming elections have created divisiveness for many families and friendships. Election party affiliations are such a strongly held belief that dating apps have created identifiers by political affiliations because so many singles have added that as criteria of their absolutes list.

Our dear friends at OK Cupid, Ariel Charytan, and Michael Kaye, spearheaded this trend after analyzing 450 million responses related to political preferences. Prompts like “Trump?” or “Biden?”, badges like “I am pro-choice”, and questions exploring users’ preferences and concerns ahead of the 2020 and 2024 elections were added.   

This polarization is not just limited to the dating world, friendships also feel the heat of political affiliations. Increased political polarization has led to more people blocking, unfriending, or hiding content from friends on Facebook for the past 8 years. In 2016, the Pew Research Center reported, “Nearly one-third of social media users (31%) say they have changed their settings to see fewer posts from someone in their feed because of something related to politics, while 27% have blocked or unfriended someone for that reason”. They also found that nearly half of social media users reported that exposure to polarizing content made them angrier. 

But friendship loss occurs more often than you think or let on. I recently had the honor of being featured in the Independent’s How to navigate a friendship breakup and is it ever a good idea to reconcile? piece written by Becca Monaghan where we explored why it isn’t openly discussed and how to cope with friendship loss. 

Elections x Relationships = Friendship Divorce

While it’s not a new phenomenon, Monaghan raised a poignant question “why isn’t this viral?” So, I will share a few things to help unshame this topic. For years in my practice, I have had people liken friendship breakup pain to be similar to divorce. I began calling it “friendship divorce” and encouraged “friendship divorce parties” to help with the silent suffering and healing process. 

Why “friendship divorce”? The emotional distress caused by the loss in some cases was similar to the grieving and divorce coping phases. Having to disclose the loss to mutually shared friends led people to not socialize for a while and have friends choose between both parties. The disillusionment people endured in the re-evaluation phase caused people to question their own decision-making skills. Blaming themselves for faulty decision-making can erode their self-esteem and create even unhealthier support systems. 

A breakup creates self-doubt, anger, rumination, and lowered self-esteem which makes us feel less than. Friendships help to provide some sense of security because of the familiarity and mutual growth you both developed over time. As you heal and become strengthened, you see very clearly why the relationship wasn’t ideal and what you need in your future support systems. 

Sometimes it’s not what we didn’t see in others, it’s what we wanted to see. 

Don’t persecute yourself. Allow yourself to heal because healing from a breakup is not linear. Don’t relive negative events in the relationship by recalling what happened or extracting an aspect to persecute yourself over and over again. You’re torturing yourself and subsequently delaying your own growth and healing. Relationships are choices that help you become a better person, cope with life challenges positively, or grow.

If they are not toxic and abusive, give the relationship time to self-correct. People who are your support systems don’t mean to be ugly, they may just be dealing with unresolved trauma or unaware they hurt you. Give them the opportunity to become aware of the issue.

Create a mutually apologetic environment for both of you. This may seem like a no-brainer but sometimes hurt people can’t see it or apologize. Agree on the boundaries established, accept your definitions of healthy friendships, and re-create a safe space for re-entry into your life.

Honored To Be 1 of 5 Courvoisier Cognac Grant Recipients

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

I recently was fortunate to be one of 5 recipients of the National Urban League in partnership with Courvoisier Cognac Grant for my work in brain health. This award will help me advance science and interventions that address some of the cognitive impairment that pandemic fatigue has brought on as many of us try to WFH and try to keep up with our productivity and performance. Brain Fog has become the most commonly experienced problem for many of us as we WFH, manage teams, and maintain consistent productivity levels. This is especially impacting in the corporate sector.

Covid-19 has created a new norm that we have not been adequately prepared to cope with or adapt to. Social isolation, loneliness, abrupt changes to daily habits, adapting to WFH, and stress can all impact our emotional well-being and cognitive performance. Even for people who have no history of mental health issues, the weeks of lockdown and restrictions that millions are currently experiencing is wrought with emotional and psychological challenges that few had ever experienced. 

In a recent study I conducted with CEOs and Founders exploring the impact of pandemic fatigue on performance, 98% reported experiencing three of the symptoms of brain fog. Additionally, 100% reported that Covid-19 has impacted their emotional well-being in a negative way at different points over the last 8 months. The most powerful driver of Covid-induced brain fog was emotional trauma. 87% reported that Covid-19 brought forward unresolved past emotional trauma to the forefront of their thinking. 95% reported decades-long past unresolved trauma. This tremendous breakthrough that unburdened a pain point that arrested that person’s development and cognitive performance led me to compute lifetime gains for each person as a key outcome of health. 

In my practice, I have developed interventions to address some of these cognitive and emotional features we have been dealing with over the last 9 months. As a society, we have to begin to focus on prevention and intervention because I predict we are headed into a mental and brain health risk burden that exceeds our capacity to provide care. Prolonged exposure to these new norms will have lasting emotional and cognitive effects in the future. Many neuroimaging studies have shown that chronic worries and fears diminish prefrontal cortex activity, damage neurons, shrink areas of the brain, and impair thinking.

COVID-19 + Dating + Risk Tolerance

Posted on by ClarissaSilva
Credit: Geralt/Pixababy

Before becoming an entrepreneur, I was an Infectious Diseases Specialist. In the US, we are experiencing an increase in cases, beginning to assemble a disease containment model for COVID-19, and deciphering misinformation which results in panic in our daily living and our financial markets. ANY mortality is terrible. This disease is shortening the lives of those that have chronic illness. Does the knowledge of this fact change our dating behavior?

When it comes to dating and the desire to find love, people are more apt to take risks.

Let’s look at the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Despite knowing risk about unprotected sex, we currently see a rise in STD cases for 15 to 24-year-olds who account for 50% of new cases. If we didn’t see behavior change at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic or reduction in STD rates now, would we see differences for COVID-19?  According to Michael Kaye, OkCupid’s Global Communications Manager, “We also recently asked our daters if they’re still willing to go out on dates and saw a massive spike in responses around the world. We found that 88% of respondents around the world on OkCupid are still dating (92% in the United States)”. As Justyna Kedra, Founder of WE Rule, explained: “To be honest I didn’t even think about Coronavirus until someone asked me ‘we should finally go on a date but are you corona-free?’”.

What will people do? What’s the future of dating look like?

When you calculate acquiring COVID-19 and its recovery and if it has a larger impact in your life, it will change your approach. “As a single mom, I don’t want the additional risk. I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, but he is still going to work and I’m not comfortable with his exposure level. It was not very serious in any case, though he is nice and our time together was pleasant. If I were to get sick, I don’t know who would take care of my kiddo”. SG, San Francisco.

I also think the desire for love will outpace an epidemic.

We are coping with unknown factors about the virus and constant quarantine worldwide. Italy’s disease containment strategy is similar to NYC’S TB strategy, prison or fine for those that are non-compliant. In the midst of US quarantine, I predict a greater use of video and communication in dating apps. I don’t expect people to take known risk if they don’t have to, but I also think the desire for love will outpace an epidemic.

Dating activities also mimic the world’s general concern. When we have concerns about an epidemic coupled with media coverage and misinformation in the public, people will at first have fear and the need to quell that fear.  According to Michael Kaye, OkCupid’s Global Communications Manager, “There was actually a 188% increase in coronavirus mentions on OkCupid profiles between January and February, and a 71% increase in coronavirus mentions between January and March”.

Renowned serial entrepreneur, TV personality, and Co-Founder of Loko, Vivek Jain, reports that “We have seen a 62%  increase in both new users, and engagement from existing users, since the fears from Covid19 reached mainstream media.  Because we are video-based, we give singles who are apprehensive about going out in public during these times an avenue to make a connection with others while being in the comforts of their own home”. Similarly, Say Allo’s CEO, Zackary Lewis shared that they have experienced a 350% increase in video date sessions and 20% of new profiles have used the word “coronavirus” in their profile.

There’s also been roughly 15 million new conversations among OkCupid daters in March.

Unlike HIV/AIDS that can be tracked through a sexual partner notification, the coronavirus is harder to contain. The tracking of disease begins with everyone you’ve encountered, the frequency of coughing, and everywhere that person went. Will this slow down dating activities? “The interesting thing though is that even for those who are not dating IRL and are instead staying home binging Netflix, they’re still matching with people online. In fact, there have been about 50 million new conversations started among daters over the past month, and we’ve seen a 7% increase in new conversations over the last 5 days. There’s also been roughly 15 million new conversations among OkCupid daters in March (i.e. daters who have not spoken previously). explains Kaye.

I do hope that Neil Degrasse Tyson is right that now we reached a period where this is a social experiment on will people listen to scientists. Perhaps dating apps can create segmented populations. We can design categories based on risk tolerance and create games or prompts during quarantine periods. But, what do I know? I’m just a scientist.

This Is Why You Choose The Wrong Type. Every time.

Posted on by ClarissaSilva
Credit: Gerd Altmann /Pixaby

“Isn’t it ironic that our highly connected world makes it harder to be connected?” This is probably the #1 complaint I hear from my clients. We are trying to find love, get over a break-up or understand why we get ghosted in a world that seems to have so much abundance. Yet, so many tell me they are lonely and want to find just one decent person. 

The main reason is simple, but love is complex. It is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? Dating apps are creating a paradox effect. They are giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options. Apps have become the new bar, but sometimes we unknowingly walk into a frat party that may exclude women; a drunk feast; 2 a.m. stragglers looking for any hookup potential; or a concubine expecting to find decent people. This is not just disempowering, it erodes your self-esteem and alters your decision-making ability.

We’re treating people like we do our social media streams.

The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Are dating decision-making patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? Are we able to make snap judgments based on such little data?

Technically, your brain does detect what you think is attractive in just a few seconds [actually, milliseconds].

Sounds great, right? You can find a match in milliseconds. No. That limits you to just what you *think* are ideal physical characteristics. Here’s the next wave of data that your brain provides. Your brain also is simultaneously processing subconscious factors that trigger emotional factors along with the physical characteristics and that is what makes you decide on that person’s image. 

Oh, but it doesn’t just end at that completely complex process. The other fun brain fact that impacts our ability to make decisions on what we see is inattentional blindness. This factor happens because the brain only focuses on the things we expect to see. It’s the main reason in gaming that you can miss someone that will kill you. It’s also why you can drive along the countryside for an hour and not remember the details of the scenery.

When it comes to dating decision-making, your brain will discount data when you are actively searching for your match. 

That’s just determining a swipe. But, we all know that partner selection and who is an ideal fit for a person isn’t simply reasoned away by brain functioning. Essentially, what is happening is that we’re overlooking good candidates. In my Your Happiness Hypothesis study, 65% of the active online dating users found that 90% of the time they were overlooking ideal candidates because they kept using the same parameters for their searches. Only when we were able to explore the subconscious factors that led their search for their ideal partner were we able to change the quality of their dating approach.