Category: Dating

Elections Causing More Friendship Divorces Again

Elections Causing More Friendship Divorces Again

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

The upcoming elections have created divisiveness for many families and friendships. Election party affiliations are such a strongly held belief that dating apps have created identifiers by political affiliations because so many singles have added that as criteria of their absolutes list.

Our dear friends at OK Cupid, Ariel Charytan, and Michael Kaye, spearheaded this trend after analyzing 450 million responses related to political preferences. Prompts like “Trump?” or “Biden?”, badges like “I am pro-choice”, and questions exploring users’ preferences and concerns ahead of the 2020 and 2024 elections were added.   

This polarization is not just limited to the dating world, friendships also feel the heat of political affiliations. Increased political polarization has led to more people blocking, unfriending, or hiding content from friends on Facebook for the past 8 years. In 2016, the Pew Research Center reported, “Nearly one-third of social media users (31%) say they have changed their settings to see fewer posts from someone in their feed because of something related to politics, while 27% have blocked or unfriended someone for that reason”. They also found that nearly half of social media users reported that exposure to polarizing content made them angrier. 

But friendship loss occurs more often than you think or let on. I recently had the honor of being featured in the Independent’s How to navigate a friendship breakup and is it ever a good idea to reconcile? piece written by Becca Monaghan where we explored why it isn’t openly discussed and how to cope with friendship loss. 

Elections x Relationships = Friendship Divorce

While it’s not a new phenomenon, Monaghan raised a poignant question “why isn’t this viral?” So, I will share a few things to help unshame this topic. For years in my practice, I have had people liken friendship breakup pain to be similar to divorce. I began calling it “friendship divorce” and encouraged “friendship divorce parties” to help with the silent suffering and healing process. 

Why “friendship divorce”? The emotional distress caused by the loss in some cases was similar to the grieving and divorce coping phases. Having to disclose the loss to mutually shared friends led people to not socialize for a while and have friends choose between both parties. The disillusionment people endured in the re-evaluation phase caused people to question their own decision-making skills. Blaming themselves for faulty decision-making can erode their self-esteem and create even unhealthier support systems. 

A breakup creates self-doubt, anger, rumination, and lowered self-esteem which makes us feel less than. Friendships help to provide some sense of security because of the familiarity and mutual growth you both developed over time. As you heal and become strengthened, you see very clearly why the relationship wasn’t ideal and what you need in your future support systems. 

Sometimes it’s not what we didn’t see in others, it’s what we wanted to see. 

Don’t persecute yourself. Allow yourself to heal because healing from a breakup is not linear. Don’t relive negative events in the relationship by recalling what happened or extracting an aspect to persecute yourself over and over again. You’re torturing yourself and subsequently delaying your own growth and healing. Relationships are choices that help you become a better person, cope with life challenges positively, or grow.

If they are not toxic and abusive, give the relationship time to self-correct. People who are your support systems don’t mean to be ugly, they may just be dealing with unresolved trauma or unaware they hurt you. Give them the opportunity to become aware of the issue.

Create a mutually apologetic environment for both of you. This may seem like a no-brainer but sometimes hurt people can’t see it or apologize. Agree on the boundaries established, accept your definitions of healthy friendships, and re-create a safe space for re-entry into your life.

COVID-19 + Dating + Risk Tolerance

Posted on by ClarissaSilva
Credit: Geralt/Pixababy

Before becoming an entrepreneur, I was an Infectious Diseases Specialist. In the US, we are experiencing an increase in cases, beginning to assemble a disease containment model for COVID-19, and deciphering misinformation which results in panic in our daily living and our financial markets. ANY mortality is terrible. This disease is shortening the lives of those that have chronic illness. Does the knowledge of this fact change our dating behavior?

When it comes to dating and the desire to find love, people are more apt to take risks.

Let’s look at the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Despite knowing risk about unprotected sex, we currently see a rise in STD cases for 15 to 24-year-olds who account for 50% of new cases. If we didn’t see behavior change at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic or reduction in STD rates now, would we see differences for COVID-19?  According to Michael Kaye, OkCupid’s Global Communications Manager, “We also recently asked our daters if they’re still willing to go out on dates and saw a massive spike in responses around the world. We found that 88% of respondents around the world on OkCupid are still dating (92% in the United States)”. As Justyna Kedra, Founder of WE Rule, explained: “To be honest I didn’t even think about Coronavirus until someone asked me ‘we should finally go on a date but are you corona-free?’”.

What will people do? What’s the future of dating look like?

When you calculate acquiring COVID-19 and its recovery and if it has a larger impact in your life, it will change your approach. “As a single mom, I don’t want the additional risk. I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, but he is still going to work and I’m not comfortable with his exposure level. It was not very serious in any case, though he is nice and our time together was pleasant. If I were to get sick, I don’t know who would take care of my kiddo”. SG, San Francisco.

I also think the desire for love will outpace an epidemic.

We are coping with unknown factors about the virus and constant quarantine worldwide. Italy’s disease containment strategy is similar to NYC’S TB strategy, prison or fine for those that are non-compliant. In the midst of US quarantine, I predict a greater use of video and communication in dating apps. I don’t expect people to take known risk if they don’t have to, but I also think the desire for love will outpace an epidemic.

Dating activities also mimic the world’s general concern. When we have concerns about an epidemic coupled with media coverage and misinformation in the public, people will at first have fear and the need to quell that fear.  According to Michael Kaye, OkCupid’s Global Communications Manager, “There was actually a 188% increase in coronavirus mentions on OkCupid profiles between January and February, and a 71% increase in coronavirus mentions between January and March”.

Renowned serial entrepreneur, TV personality, and Co-Founder of Loko, Vivek Jain, reports that “We have seen a 62%  increase in both new users, and engagement from existing users, since the fears from Covid19 reached mainstream media.  Because we are video-based, we give singles who are apprehensive about going out in public during these times an avenue to make a connection with others while being in the comforts of their own home”. Similarly, Say Allo’s CEO, Zackary Lewis shared that they have experienced a 350% increase in video date sessions and 20% of new profiles have used the word “coronavirus” in their profile.

There’s also been roughly 15 million new conversations among OkCupid daters in March.

Unlike HIV/AIDS that can be tracked through a sexual partner notification, the coronavirus is harder to contain. The tracking of disease begins with everyone you’ve encountered, the frequency of coughing, and everywhere that person went. Will this slow down dating activities? “The interesting thing though is that even for those who are not dating IRL and are instead staying home binging Netflix, they’re still matching with people online. In fact, there have been about 50 million new conversations started among daters over the past month, and we’ve seen a 7% increase in new conversations over the last 5 days. There’s also been roughly 15 million new conversations among OkCupid daters in March (i.e. daters who have not spoken previously). explains Kaye.

I do hope that Neil Degrasse Tyson is right that now we reached a period where this is a social experiment on will people listen to scientists. Perhaps dating apps can create segmented populations. We can design categories based on risk tolerance and create games or prompts during quarantine periods. But, what do I know? I’m just a scientist.

This Is Why You Choose The Wrong Type. Every time.

Posted on by ClarissaSilva
Credit: Gerd Altmann /Pixaby

“Isn’t it ironic that our highly connected world makes it harder to be connected?” This is probably the #1 complaint I hear from my clients. We are trying to find love, get over a break-up or understand why we get ghosted in a world that seems to have so much abundance. Yet, so many tell me they are lonely and want to find just one decent person. 

The main reason is simple, but love is complex. It is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? Dating apps are creating a paradox effect. They are giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options. Apps have become the new bar, but sometimes we unknowingly walk into a frat party that may exclude women; a drunk feast; 2 a.m. stragglers looking for any hookup potential; or a concubine expecting to find decent people. This is not just disempowering, it erodes your self-esteem and alters your decision-making ability.

We’re treating people like we do our social media streams.

The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Are dating decision-making patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? Are we able to make snap judgments based on such little data?

Technically, your brain does detect what you think is attractive in just a few seconds [actually, milliseconds].

Sounds great, right? You can find a match in milliseconds. No. That limits you to just what you *think* are ideal physical characteristics. Here’s the next wave of data that your brain provides. Your brain also is simultaneously processing subconscious factors that trigger emotional factors along with the physical characteristics and that is what makes you decide on that person’s image. 

Oh, but it doesn’t just end at that completely complex process. The other fun brain fact that impacts our ability to make decisions on what we see is inattentional blindness. This factor happens because the brain only focuses on the things we expect to see. It’s the main reason in gaming that you can miss someone that will kill you. It’s also why you can drive along the countryside for an hour and not remember the details of the scenery.

When it comes to dating decision-making, your brain will discount data when you are actively searching for your match. 

That’s just determining a swipe. But, we all know that partner selection and who is an ideal fit for a person isn’t simply reasoned away by brain functioning. Essentially, what is happening is that we’re overlooking good candidates. In my Your Happiness Hypothesis study, 65% of the active online dating users found that 90% of the time they were overlooking ideal candidates because they kept using the same parameters for their searches. Only when we were able to explore the subconscious factors that led their search for their ideal partner were we able to change the quality of their dating approach. 

This Explains Why You’re Having So Much Trouble Finding Real Love

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

Photo credit: Fedor Ouspenski/Pixababy

More and more of our digital dating world keeps coming up with new terms for bad dating behavior. Thought it was just happening to millennials? Think again. My Happiness Hypothesis study found that it is happening across the globe to both men and women for millennials and GenX.

Dating apps are creating a paradox effect in dating: it’s giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options.

Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion? Are dating patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? We’re connecting, not committing. We are only broadcasting the positive aspects of our lives on social media-the highlight reels. If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? In life, you don’t always only get highlight reels. Who is by your side when the non-highlight reel moments occur in life? The drama queen? Baby daddy? Your favorite social stalker? The truth is that dating has become even more irrational.

As a Behavioral Scientist, what amazes me is the hypersensitivity we all seem to have about almost all aspects of life EXCEPT relationships. Isn’t it interesting that we stand up against bullying, shaming, or political un-correctness; but with people we have interest in we act with total disregard? Is it technology that’s driving our behavior or that we are to attached to our devices and are cognitively evolving?

For the Happiness Hypothesis Study Your Happiness Hypothesis Study, I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active online dating app users and found that:

  • 80% reported it being easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb because of the lack of communication and face-to-face interaction
  • 80% of millennials reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 50% of GenXers reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 45% reported the average length of dates in between ghosting someone was 8
  • 50% reported an average of at least 3 months before reaching out again to the person they ghosted

While you waited for a response and wondered why you weren’t worthy a response, the other person had about 8 dates. We’re treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. This approach to people and relationships is creating a paradox effect. It is also creating a deeper dependence on what I call, “vanity validation”, the one you portray on your social networks and the true you, for some, creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life.

Dealing with this as normative relationship behavior begins to erode hope for a partner and begins a cycle of lowered expectations.

After reviewing my data, I found some correlations that corresponded to styles of behavior. Detachment. That’s what is driving the behavior. So, I developed what I call, the Detachment Styles theory. Afterall, it is their detachment to outcomes that is making people behave the way they do. Sick of showing up for a date that you think is not even going to work out? Ghost. You want to avoid confrontation with another human being? Ghost. You found the person somewhat compatible but now don’t? Ghost. Sick of your job? Ghost? Think the job is going to suck after the interview is set up? Ghost. Want to avoid anything that might have the slightest potential of triggering something within you? Ghost.

The Four Distinct Detachment Styles (c)

Ambivalent. This style often rationalizes themselves out of opportunities often. They don’t want to put in any additional effort into a relationship because they predict the outcome will be negative. They also avoid confrontation and will abruptly leave situations without forewarning.

Dismissive. This style often replaces their desires with some other compensatory behavior. They have a fear of faulty decision making and they don’t trust themselves emotionally.

Secure-stable. This style seeks security and stability in their environment and they adapt to changes in their environment with ease. They proceed with caution because they often have patterns and cycles of dating the same types.

Displaced. They attach to their digital world and persona as a source of support and human interaction. Their sense of self is dependent on their digital selves that seek “vanity validation”. They’re fulfilled by the world that they have created and do not necessarily derive happiness by being around people physically.