Category: Social Media

This Is Why You Choose The Wrong Type. Every time.

Posted on by ClarissaSilva
Credit: Gerd Altmann /Pixaby

“Isn’t it ironic that our highly connected world makes it harder to be connected?” This is probably the #1 complaint I hear from my clients. We are trying to find love, get over a break-up or understand why we get ghosted in a world that seems to have so much abundance. Yet, so many tell me they are lonely and want to find just one decent person. 

The main reason is simple, but love is complex. It is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? Dating apps are creating a paradox effect. They are giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options. Apps have become the new bar, but sometimes we unknowingly walk into a frat party that may exclude women; a drunk feast; 2 a.m. stragglers looking for any hookup potential; or a concubine expecting to find decent people. This is not just disempowering, it erodes your self-esteem and alters your decision-making ability.

We’re treating people like we do our social media streams.

The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Are dating decision-making patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? Are we able to make snap judgments based on such little data?

Technically, your brain does detect what you think is attractive in just a few seconds [actually, milliseconds].

Sounds great, right? You can find a match in milliseconds. No. That limits you to just what you *think* are ideal physical characteristics. Here’s the next wave of data that your brain provides. Your brain also is simultaneously processing subconscious factors that trigger emotional factors along with the physical characteristics and that is what makes you decide on that person’s image. 

Oh, but it doesn’t just end at that completely complex process. The other fun brain fact that impacts our ability to make decisions on what we see is inattentional blindness. This factor happens because the brain only focuses on the things we expect to see. It’s the main reason in gaming that you can miss someone that will kill you. It’s also why you can drive along the countryside for an hour and not remember the details of the scenery.

When it comes to dating decision-making, your brain will discount data when you are actively searching for your match. 

That’s just determining a swipe. But, we all know that partner selection and who is an ideal fit for a person isn’t simply reasoned away by brain functioning. Essentially, what is happening is that we’re overlooking good candidates. In my Your Happiness Hypothesis study, 65% of the active online dating users found that 90% of the time they were overlooking ideal candidates because they kept using the same parameters for their searches. Only when we were able to explore the subconscious factors that led their search for their ideal partner were we able to change the quality of their dating approach. 

This Explains Why You’re Having So Much Trouble Finding Real Love

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

Photo credit: Fedor Ouspenski/Pixababy

More and more of our digital dating world keeps coming up with new terms for bad dating behavior. Thought it was just happening to millennials? Think again. My Happiness Hypothesis study found that it is happening across the globe to both men and women for millennials and GenX.

Dating apps are creating a paradox effect in dating: it’s giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options.

Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion? Are dating patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? We’re connecting, not committing. We are only broadcasting the positive aspects of our lives on social media-the highlight reels. If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? In life, you don’t always only get highlight reels. Who is by your side when the non-highlight reel moments occur in life? The drama queen? Baby daddy? Your favorite social stalker? The truth is that dating has become even more irrational.

As a Behavioral Scientist, what amazes me is the hypersensitivity we all seem to have about almost all aspects of life EXCEPT relationships. Isn’t it interesting that we stand up against bullying, shaming, or political un-correctness; but with people we have interest in we act with total disregard? Is it technology that’s driving our behavior or that we are to attached to our devices and are cognitively evolving?

For the Happiness Hypothesis Study Your Happiness Hypothesis Study, I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active online dating app users and found that:

  • 80% reported it being easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb because of the lack of communication and face-to-face interaction
  • 80% of millennials reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 50% of GenXers reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 45% reported the average length of dates in between ghosting someone was 8
  • 50% reported an average of at least 3 months before reaching out again to the person they ghosted

While you waited for a response and wondered why you weren’t worthy a response, the other person had about 8 dates. We’re treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. This approach to people and relationships is creating a paradox effect. It is also creating a deeper dependence on what I call, “vanity validation”, the one you portray on your social networks and the true you, for some, creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life.

Dealing with this as normative relationship behavior begins to erode hope for a partner and begins a cycle of lowered expectations.

After reviewing my data, I found some correlations that corresponded to styles of behavior. Detachment. That’s what is driving the behavior. So, I developed what I call, the Detachment Styles theory. Afterall, it is their detachment to outcomes that is making people behave the way they do. Sick of showing up for a date that you think is not even going to work out? Ghost. You want to avoid confrontation with another human being? Ghost. You found the person somewhat compatible but now don’t? Ghost. Sick of your job? Ghost? Think the job is going to suck after the interview is set up? Ghost. Want to avoid anything that might have the slightest potential of triggering something within you? Ghost.

The Four Distinct Detachment Styles (c)

Ambivalent. This style often rationalizes themselves out of opportunities often. They don’t want to put in any additional effort into a relationship because they predict the outcome will be negative. They also avoid confrontation and will abruptly leave situations without forewarning.

Dismissive. This style often replaces their desires with some other compensatory behavior. They have a fear of faulty decision making and they don’t trust themselves emotionally.

Secure-stable. This style seeks security and stability in their environment and they adapt to changes in their environment with ease. They proceed with caution because they often have patterns and cycles of dating the same types.

Displaced. They attach to their digital world and persona as a source of support and human interaction. Their sense of self is dependent on their digital selves that seek “vanity validation”. They’re fulfilled by the world that they have created and do not necessarily derive happiness by being around people physically.

Love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right?

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

Finding love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right?

“Isn’t it ironic that our highly connected world makes it harder to be connected?” This is probably the #1 complaint I hear in practice. We are trying to find love, get over a break-up or understand why we get ghosted in a world that seems to have so much abundance. Yet, so many tell me they are lonely and want to find just one decent person.

The main reason is simple, but love is complex. It is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? Dating apps are creating a paradox effect. They are giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options. Apps have become the new bar, but sometimes we unknowingly walk into a frat party; a drunk feast; 2 a.m. stragglers; or a concubine expecting to find decent people. This is not just disempowering, it erodes your self-esteem and alters your decision-making ability. The end result is not making you pickier, it’s making you choose based on lowered expectations.

We’re treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Has this behavior become normative? Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion? Are dating patterns just an extension of how we behave on social networks? We’re overlooking good candidates for those that photo filter better. You aren’t in the market for best camera skills, you’re searching for someone that can life co-create with you.

For the past few years, I’ve been developing a new method to address some of these challenges. My Your Happiness Hypothesis method © is designed to help you have relationship success in your life. Relationships are challenging, but sometimes it just takes simple strategies to get you what you really want! Are you wondering when you will find the love of your life? Struggling to find decent people? Want real love? Join me in creating Your Happiness Hypothesis in your own life!

 

Social Media’s Impact on Self-Esteem

Posted on by ClarissaSilva

Social Media’s Impact on Self-Esteem

Social media has been linked to higher levels of loneliness, envy, anxiety, depression, narcissism and decreased social skills. As a Behavioral Scientist, I wonder what causes this paradox? The narratives we share and portray on social media are all positive and celebratory. It’s a hybridized digital version of “Keeping up with the Joneses”. Meaning for some, sometimes it appears everyone you know are in great relationships, taking 5-star vacations and living your dream life.

Credit: Unsplash

 

However, what is shared only broadcasts the positive aspects of our lives-the highlight reels.

Since we’re only getting people’s highlight reels and comparing it to ourselves, it is natural to have reactions to what we’re watching. How does this impact relationships, dating, and our love lives? I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active social media users and found that:

  • 60% of people using social media reported that it has impacted their self-esteem in a negative way
  • 50% reported social media having negative effects on their relationship
  • 80% reported that is easier to deceive others through their social posting

Paradox Effect

It seems that social media is creating a paradox effect: giving off the illusion of many choices while making it harder to find viable options. Can it be that our highly connected world has now become disconnected? Posting dinners, selfies and vacay photos over human interaction for some is interaction. That IS their interaction. The paradox effect in dating is creating the illusion of having more social engagement, social capital, and popularity, but masking one’s true persona. Since some are interfacing digitally more than physically it is much easier to emotionally manipulate others because they are reliant on what I call “Vanity Validation”. The one you portray on your networks and the true you, for some, creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life.

Vanity Validation

In the latest Match Singles in America study’s findings on how social media has impacted people’s dating lives, they found that 57% of singles say social media has generated a Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). In my study, 50% reported feeling FOMO when comparing themselves to others on social media, while 60% of millennials reported feeling FOMO. Are we comparing ourselves to other people’s highlight reels? Are we creating a false reality? It seems that we’re only willing to share things that get positive reinforcement. If we’re living through only focusing on the highlight reels, how do we express the negative side of our lives?

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s profile, aren’t you discounting yourself? Anything that we share on our streams are things that we’re either excited about or creating some popularity for yourself. Are we supposed to applaud that you eat? Are we supposed to applaud that you are out? Are we supposed to applaud the 100th seflie you took while you were out? Are we beginning to learn to relate to people for immediate gratification only?

Won’t this impact our dating behaviors? If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? Are you surprised when people blow you off or lead you on aka ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb? Yet another paradox. Here we are thinking the world is a positive and reinforcing place, that we are interesting, we’re so popular; then we get ghosted, breadcrumbed, benched.